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..In The Final Part of the Trilogy Your Intrepid And Wheezing Editor Describes The Perfect Gift … And Suggests Some Improvements On It
In Parts One and Two of the series What To Get Me For My Birthday, Bizlevity readers learned about the mysterious onset of adult allergies and the subsequent aggravation of those allergies that came from living with a cat.
Although, now that I think about it, it could be I just have a severe allergy to being in a committed relationship.
Despite my own conclusions, I had never visited an allergist to confirm that I was allergic to cats. The theory that I was allergic to cats came from a variety of sources.
First, I did my own research. I typed the symptoms I experienced after coming in contact with cats into WebMD and, as a result, substantiated the fact I had either a severe cat allergy or hemorrhagic Ebola.
Second, I ran my symptoms by my family doctor — a course of action which had its own drawbacks.
For the longest time, I didn’t have health insurance so there’s a good chance I wasn’t getting the kind of quality medical care usually reserved for people from Cuba.
In the seven years I’ve been going to my doctor, every time I’ve had an annual physical he has given me a thorough exam which includes the requisite grabbing of the genitals. The part that seems weird to me is he doesn’t ask me to turn my head and cough, but instead requests that I moan softly and call him “Daddy.”
I guess medical school is different in Uzbekistan.
All of which explains why, on a recent weekday morning, I was headed toward my first appointment with a real, honest-to-goodness allergist.
Despite a number of signs in the waiting room requesting patients not wear heavy perfume or cologne, a very large woman came into the reception area about five minutes after her scent. I’m not totally sure what the perfume was, but I think it was Asphyxiation by Calvin Klein.
I had a few second thoughts about my choice of allergist when I looked around and discovered there wasn’t a single box of tissues in the entire waiting area even though the vestibule was roughly the size of the Lincoln Memorial.
I was still sneezing when I was escorted back to see the doctor who, after declining to shake my hand, assured me we would get to the cause of my allergies.
Forty-five minutes and 3,487 pin pricks later, the doctor confirmed I had a number of mild pollen allergies and a semi-severe dog allergy.
I also registered a reaction to cat dander while at the same time validating a long-held personal belief that one of the last things you want your doctor to say while looking at your test results is, “Whoa!”
In this case, I think the technical term the doctor used to describe my response to feline allergens was “off the freakin’ charts.”
“Do you have a cat in your house?” the doctor asked.
“It’s one of my wife’s top three prized possessions,” I replied, “And, for the record, I don’t think I made the short list.”
“We see this kind of thing all the time,” the doctor said. “I can’t tell you what to do, but my advice would be that if the cat goes missing … you shouldn’t go look for it.”
Maybe I’ve watched too many episodes of The Sopranos, but my first question was, “Do you know someone who does that kind of thing?”
“Oh, I wasn’t suggesting anything like that,” the doctor said as the attending nurse’s face lost most of its color.
“Tell me the truth,” I insisted, “Kerosene would do the trick, wouldn’t it?”
At that point, the nurse left the room and the doctor hastily scribbled out a prescription for Nasonex while excusing himself and muttering about needing to go call the SPCA for some reason.
Of course, I was kidding. I would never set a cat on fire.
I really think drowning’s the way to go.
Fortunately, for everyone involved, there is another solution and a gift idea tailor-made for my upcoming birthday in June. One of the great things about being a semi-respected member of the blogging community is you can tap into the expertise of your fellow bloggers — like Mark A. Rayner who pens The Skwib.
The Skwib recently featured a post, complete with videos, about an amazing product called Ssscat or, as Mark described it, “cat comedy in a can.”
According to their website, the purpose of Ssscat is to help “educate your cat and address specific behavior problems” like, say, coming anywhere near where I sleep.
I’m sure there are some animal lovers out there who will suggest that “educating” your cat in this manner is a lot like China trying to “educate” Tibetan dissidents — except that Ssscat uses compressed air instead of real bullets.
Which is why I’ve written to the folks at Ssscat suggesting they come out with a small caliber upgrade to their product.
Or, even better, how about combining a low-grade laser with the patented Ssscat motion detector?
How awesome would that be? It would be a like a James Bond movie starring your cat as the evil genius done in by his own laser.
Finally, I might be able to get a good nights sleep and wake up how I like: Shaken, not purred.
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It’s always the evil dude who has a cat…
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http://markarayner.com/blog/archives/1502
http://www.amazon.com/Premier-SSSCAT-Automated-Cat-Deterrent-Kit/dp/B0002XI7CI
