Justice Dept. Mulls New Hate Crime Law

New Legislation Would Make It A Hate Crime To Beat Up the Stock Market and Other Investments
Thousands of investors stood by and watched as the Dow Jones Industrial Average got the crap kicked out of it again today.

“It was horrible,” said one shaken broker. “People were hollering ‘Get me the f**k out’ and ‘I want to sell the balls off this market’ as they just kept hitting bid after bid.”

This kind of callous indifference to a market beating has led many in the Justice Department to call for new legislation to make trashing any investment vehicle a Federal hate crime.

Under the new rules proposed by Attorney General Holder, 87% of people who have a mutual fund or IRA could be charged and subject to an additional jail sentence of three months or until their investments are worthless, whichever comes first.

The stock market, which was in an intensive care unit early this afternoon, has even hardened emergency personnel shaking their heads.

“The market’s a fighter, but it’s taken a pretty good thrashing. Physically, it’ll take some time to recover but I’m afraid the emotional scars will linger for years,” said one analyst.

“Excuse me, I have to go,” explained the analyst, “I’ve got a team of people working on the credit default swaps market and that sumbitch just flat-lined.”

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Stock doctor encouraged to work on his bedside manner…

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Image: artemuestra on Flickr