Zelda CD-i intro videos!

Right… Seriously now… What the Christ?

Just watch these videos and then we’ll go over this again. The videos are from the two Zelda games to be released on Philips’ ill-fated CD-i system back in the days when Nintendo clearly didn’t give a damn about what other companies did to their licensed intellectual property and their reputation.

The first is the intro movie from “TLoZ: The Faces of Evil”, which features the thinnest excuse for a plot outside of a Van Damne movie. Link is a teenager and an abhorrent voice actor, and from the instant he appears on screen you want to stamp on his coccyx and kick an apple up his ass.

A cooking apple. The kind that would leave an exit wound.

The next video is taken from “TLoZ: The Wand Of Gamelon”. More apple based assault for Link, who seems to have developed some sort of perpetual muscle spasm, because he just can’t keep his god damned arms still. In fact everyone has to be moving at all times it seems… Maybe the King of Hyrule made wild gesticulation a mandatory, continual task like the pernicious sort that he is. Whatever it is, it has made me want to kick Link in the face until my leg breaks.

He would be suffering from more than a topical oral complaint, that’s for sure.

This video is really quite hilarious because it seems so rushed. Not only in production, but in the way it’s animated and the speed at which things are explained.

After the news of a new Zelda game and some awesome footage to accompany it, looking back over these attrocities is the most hideous thing I’ve had to do since 1993.

Now… Say it with me again…

What the CHRIST?

Via Nintendo Gal.