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LisaR sent me this question:
Kelly,
Quick question! My mom is wonderfuly amazing! Now that I’m married and out of the house I appreciate her so much more and want the best for her. We belong to a gym and my parent also, however, they don’t ever go (my dad does long walks but my mom hardly does anything active to stay in shape). My mom has been feeling down about herself lately (doesn’t like pics taken of her and doesn’t like how clothes fit etc.) b/c she’s feeling “fat”. She’s 5′4″ and could stand to loose a few pounds for her short frame but she’s not the motivated type. My dad and I try to encourage her to go for walks, come to the gym with me, ride a bike, etc but she always declines the offer. Sooo…
She’s such a hardworking mom I know she has a lot of stuff to do after work but how can I encourage her and motivate her to go to the gym or on walks (my dad even offered to get her a personal trainer to help keep her accountable but how can a trainer keep her accountable if her mind and body aren’t in it?) without being pushy and offending her? Since you are a trainer do you have any advice from your side of the spectrum? She just turned 55 and I know exercising would not only benefit her physically but also mentally! It would give her the energy she needs and the confidence! I want this so bad for her but I don’t want to keep encouraging her/bringing it up b/c I don’t want to turn her off completely! Help 
Keeping yourself motivated is one thing; motivating someone else is nearly impossible. To understand how to motivate others, you have to understand how motivation works.
Contrary to popular belief, motivation is not a “trait”. Whether someone is motivated is not only dependent upon their personal resources, abilities, and strengths, but also outside external factors and circumstances.
I’ve never met a single person that does not believe that eating healthy and exercising is a good thing. However, I know very few people that actually try and live by this. So what is getting in their way?
For many, living a healthy lifestyle is daunting. They see it as many hours in the gym, eating boiled, grey chicken everyday and not having time for the things they enjoy.
People want instant gratification. We will not work towards something unless we are convinced we will immediately get something out it. We veteran exercisers know that working out relaxes us, makes us feel energized and good about ourselves. People that don’t regularly exercise do not know these immediate effects- all they think of is exercise=weight loss. Really, really far down the road.
Help your mother to realize these immediate effects. Don’t focus on weightloss or longevity of life- no one cares about that right now. That isn’t going to get someone off the couch day in and day out. But immediately after a nice long walk, point out how energized you feel, how relaxed you are and clear your head is.
Also- start out small. Don’t try and get her to go on a hike or a even a miles long walk. One of my favorite quotes is right out of my ACE manual:
“The desk bound executive who regularly jogs may not be any better off than the person who does periodic moderate-intesity activity throughout the day.”
In other words, little bouts of exercise throughout the day add up just the same as one big long stretch of exercise. Encourage small walks or bike rides, instead of big sweaty workouts to help her ease into it.
Make it fun! Go to the park, take the puppy for a walk, or take the littlest member of the family to a playground. If you are having fun you don’t even notice its exercise.
Of course, none of this will work if she is not willing to atleast try. Voice your concern, lead by example and hope for the best; but if she still refuses, there is not much you can do. Unfortunately, the only person you have control over is you. If we could force other people into getting healthy, my boyfriend and closest friends would all be running marathons right now, but we can’t. If your mom doesn’t want to take care of her daughter’s mother, there’s not much you can do other than love her and keep hoping she will change her mind.
What a fabulous question because so many of the points made in this are EXACTLY what I am going through with my mother.
And now I am off to forward off your wonderful response to her.
sweets&sweats
Wow, thanks SO much for this. I’m in a similar situation. And I’m worried because my mum might be living by herself for a few months with no one to cook for her (she HATES cooking), in which case she’d eat junk all the time. I don’t like the idea of forcing someone to do something- thats just plain wrong. But easing into it is a good idea. I work with my mum so I think I’m going to start blocking off an hour each day (she doesn’t take any breaks, not even a lunch break) and label it as her relaxation time to do yoga and rest and have something to eat. Everyone can use a little rest sometimes!
great input guys.
thats even more reason to focus on immediate benefits. If she was always thin, and didnt work out because she thought she didnt need to, she must not be very aware of the other needs for exercise. its hard when people ony think of exercise in terms of weight, because when weight does finally become an issue, they dont have the habits already in place to tackle it.
im bad at internet slang, too. ;)
Miz Fit and Phoebe– **first I had to type in “IMO” in some internet slang dictionary b/c I had no idea what it meant! haha!
My mom was never really active outside of taking care of us kids but she used to be thin all the way up untill her late 40′s and into her 50′s so she probablly never thought she NEEDED to be active before and now she probablly has negative thoughts towards it thinking, like Kelly mentioned, that it has to take hours on end and you won’t see results right away…
phoebe has such a great question to add to your fab thoughts kelly with this:
Was your mom once active and things changed? If so what is different now? or was she never active?
IMO THAT answer would speak volumes…
M.
Wow! Thanks so much Kelly for your input!
My mom’s best friend and I have been talking about this a lot also (she’s the same age as my mom and loves to exercise…her and I are actually running our first 1/2 marathon together in November!!) She mentioned the same thing about you can’t motivate someone else to do anything just encourage them in any small way that you can!
Phoebe–great questions to think about! I’ll really take those into consideration!
Kelly–I think I need to approach the situation like you said about not focusing on the weight loss or longevity of life but how it makes you feel afterwards! I think taking little walks around their neighborhood would be great! Not long walks but just enough to get your heart rate up. My hubby and I go over there often so that’ll def be something I’ll suggest her and I to do! I hope she’s game!!! :)
Again, thanks for your thoughts and ideas!!
I have the same problem with my mom…and my brother, sister, and dad. So really, my whole family at times! But I realize that all I can do is be a good example and maybe they’ll come around! It does worry me sometimes though for health reasons…wish there was some way to motivate them or do it for them but that’s just not possible!
i have the SAME problem with my mom, she just isnt motivated to exercise. sometimes i make her do laps around the mall. that helps!
Was your mom once active and things changed? If so what is different now? or was she never active?
What does motivate your mom – friends, family, hobbies, religious groups? Can you pair some of the things she is interested in with activity/healthy living. e.g. if she wants to spend time with you you can suggest a walk together to talk – tell her you need the exercise. or walking while shopping. can you prepare healthy meals together and freeze them?
Is she too tired after work? Is she doing double duty – working all day and then coming home to meal prep and housework? If so perhaps others doing their fair share will give her more energy. Also she is 55 – what is she thinking about for retirement – can she switch to part time now?
Could there be a medical reason for her being too tired?
Does she have workout clothes she feels good about? Gift opportunity? If she feels embarassed of her weight perhaps she needs a set of dumbbells, a few workout videos and privacy.
Could she be depressed?
Are there any other barriers she may not be sharing? e.g. took me two years to figure out my mom said no to things because of incontinence, she didn’t want to tell anyone.
Hope these questions help you think creatively about ways to approach this.
Great ideas Kelly! Make it more about mother-daughter bonding and less about “exercise” and i bet her mom will be right there with her:)
LisaR’s mom is like so many people I know. I agree with you, Kelly, 100 percent on this one. You can’t force someone to be healthy by any means, but you can encourage little steps.
Good–and important–post!