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Original Air Date: April 16, 2008
Wow!!! And I thought The Return of Jezebel James had a lock as my choice for the worst TV show I’ve seen in recent years. That completely unfunny sitcom was a masterpiece compared to Under One Roof, though. At least most of the actors besides Parker Posey didn’t go around twisting their faces up into buffoonish caricatures on Jezebel.
The same can’t be said of Roof, and the new series comes complete with loads of tired stereotypes, too, such as the lone Asian character with the telltale linguistic tics and body language. I don’t even have to clarify what I mean and most people probably understand exactly what I’m talking about.
You also know something is wrong when even the network itself doesn’t know the names of a show’s characters. Although every piece of information about Under One Roof, including MyNetworkTV’s own website, indicates the name of the central millionaire character played by Kelly Perine is Walter, everyone on the episode calls him Winston. So, that’s what I’m going with, too — what they say.
Or, maybe I should identify him as Walter/Winston since there’s also disagreement over what his son’s name is, with MyNetworkTV’s website designating him Walter Jr. and the Internet Movie Database, for instance, calling him Winston Jr. This is all too confusing for a little half-hour show on a network that many don’t even realize exists.
On with the recap, but keep in mind that groaners like “I never saw him eat any cereal, but he is a killer” qualify as jokes on this alleged sitcom.
Billed as William “Flavor Flav” Drayton, Flavor plays CALVSTER HILL, an ex-convict who recently moved into his stiff, upper-crust brother WINSTON‘s mansion, along with Winston’s white wife ASHLEY; their two children, bow-tie wearing, Steve Urkel-rip-off geek WINSTON JR. and predictably slutty daughter HEATHER; and their presumably fresh-off-the-boat Asian housekeeper SU HO.
The awful premiere episode revolves around Calvster’s promise to a huge former fellow inmate named PUMPKIN that he could stay with Calvster after getting released from prison. The scary-looking, hulking ex-con shows up at Winston’s house to make good on the promise, sending the entire household, including Calvster, into a state of mortal fear.
Apparently, Pumpkin was Calvster’s protection in jail, and in exchange, Calvster was his so-called “bitch.” When Pumpkin comes to the Hill house, he expects Calvster to continue in that role, which creates several situations where it’s implied Pumpkin and Calvster used to be extra close friends. Calvster even starts having nightmares of the two in bed together.
Ashley and Winston are having bad thoughts of their own, and they end up scheming to fake Calvster’s death so Pumpkin will leave. Calvster doesn’t want to go that route, though, because he’s afraid he’ll get killed for real or bump into Pumpkin somewhere else later.
The housekeeper Sun Ho then comes up with the strategy of putting ground-up glass in Pumpkin’s oatmeal to kill him. That plan doesn’t work either; Pumpkin simply thanks Sun Ho for the special-recipe breakfast. He obviously has eaten glass before and explains it cleans out his colon.
When Sun Ho’s tactic fails, the Hills revert to faking Calvster’s death. Sadly, the charade doesn’t help much since Pumpkin vows to stick around to see Calvster buried. This forces cheap Winston to stage a fake funeral, which “Caly Cal” insists must be top of the line.
As expected, all of his “ghetto” acquaintances attend the funeral, sporting the requisite low-brow and ridiculous stereotypes, such as the hos, the bros, the playas, and so on and so forth. The only good aspect of this part, not to mention the entire episode, is the arrival at last of a scene that’s actually funny … for a few seconds.
While Calvster is in his casket pretending to be dead, distressed Pumpkin — who had big plans to marry Calvster and make him his wife, going so far as to begin researching dresses for Calvster in magazines — starts yanking on Calvster’s rented suit in grief. This causes Calvster to sit up straight and protest in anger, shocking Pumpkin so suddenly, he immediately falls flat on his face, apparently dead of a heart attack.
Now the funny part is over (see — I told you it doesn’t last long). Everyone runs out of the room screaming, but Pumpkin pulls a Calvster soon after, and sits up on the floor where he fell, his heart already recovered from the earlier scare.
Finally, mercifully, the end.
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