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Original Air Date: February 13, 2008
NOTE: This series and recap contain very mature themes and language.
All of the deputies are psyched because it’s the day they get to sell delicious Coconut Nut Clusters to help support the Sheriff’s Athletics League. Although DANGLE reminds everyone that the door-to-door sale isn’t a competition, whoever moves the most candy will get two free tickets to a local production of Our Town.
JONES and KIMBALL make the first candy stop. But, when they identify themselves as officers from the Sheriff’s Department, whoever’s in the house starts complaining about “pigs” and shoots a rifle through the door, scaring the officers away.
Later at a lewd call, Dangle and TRAVIS JUNIOR investigate a neighborhood weirdo who’s luring children to his house. The perp does a number of questionable things with the kids, such as blindfolding them and telling them to feel around; letting them ride on a mechanical horse, then dousing them with water from a hose, and posting the resulting videos on YouTube; and allowing them to hunt for loose change in his apron pocket, which is deep enough to reach his crotch. The officers determine the guy is guilty, and they bring him in, handcuffed by whatever’s poking through the inside of his apron pocket.
After Dangle and Travis Junior do a little public service announcement describing Coconut Nut Clusters as the ultimate treat, Jones and Kimball, her arm now in a sling, make their next stop at another suburban house. The man who answers the door seems thrilled because, he claims, he has quite a sweet tooth. He invites the officers inside and asks if they’ll take a check for the entire box of candy.
Jones and Kimball couldn’t be happier, until the man goes in the next room and shoots himself after writing a suicide note to his wife in front of them. Although blood splatter is all over the walls, Kimball only notes that the man didn’t even sign the check.
Next up is an undercover bar sting targeting underage drinking. Travis Junior and his 20-year-old Asian assistant Tammy carry out the operation alone. If she pays for a drink that she ordered in a bar, Travis can bust the establishment for serving underage patrons. The only problem is that in the bar they go to, the bartender has no problem giving Tammy free drinks until she’s falling down drunk.
When Tammy claims Travis, who’s sitting next to her waiting to arrest somebody, stuck his thumb up her butt (!), the bartender throws the cop out. But, after Tammy asks for a cigarette, the bartender won’t give her one because you have to be 18 to smoke, and she only looks 15 or 16 to him.
Back to Jones and Kimball again, who stand on the curb outside their next target house and notice a young Asian girl watching them a few feet away. She looks like she’s there to sell candy to homeowners, too. So, Jones and Kimball, pumped for a selling showdown, race for the front door to beat her there.
When the officers reach the porch, however, the girl runs up and tells them that’s her house. She then pulls out two handguns and starts firing at both cops as they sprint away. Unfortunately, Jones is either too slow or too big, and she manages to shoot him.
The wound must have been superficial, however, because Jones and Kimball continue their losing streak with a failed sale to a diabetic boy — he goes into spasms after they let him eat a bar — and a visit to an elderly woman who dies sitting up and with her eyes still open after she remarks how nice they are to come see her since nobody does anymore.
As the two cops stand on the sidewalk in shock afterwards, a guy on crutches across the street makes his way over for some candy. But, he gets hit by a truck when he steps off the sidewalk, and when Jones goes to help, so does he.
After seeing about an antiques dealer with a sword sheath stuck up his butt by the angry man offended by the assessment that his Civil War sword is fake, Dangle and Travis Junior tackle a parolee meeting with Terry next. The ex-con claims he works for a musical instrument store called Talk to the Band, where apparently all he does is insult shoppers into not buying anything.
JOHNSON reports to a gentleman’s club next. A not-good-looking baldheaded guy has handcuffed himself to a stripper pole in an attempt to force the owners to hire him. It’s easy enough getting him loose to arrest him since the pole is only about seven-feet high. Johnson then does her PSA with GARCIA, who blushes and gets embarrassed because she likes repeating “Nut Clusters.”
Meanwhile, Jones is on crutches to go with Kimball’s arm sling. They arrive at yet another normal-looking suburban house, where a man decked out in S&M gear opens the door. The officers start their charitable foundation spiel and are shocked when a second shorter man dressed in S&M gear comes to the door and tells them they forgot to mention that candy purchases are tax deductible. The man sounds exactly like their boss, Lieutenant Dangle.
The next day, Dangle leads a meeting with all of the officers, except for Jones and Kimball. They arrive late and stand outside the room, peering through a window while looking sad as the others discuss how much money they made off of the Coconut Nut Clusters.
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