Quotes, commentary, and video from “Ocean’s Three and a Half”

Peter: Babies come from the butt, right?

Cleveland: You’re the guy who soiled his pants while driving that sports car.
Peter: (driving up to a dealership) I DON’T WANT IT.

Peter: I didn’t look when Lois gave birth and I don’t want to look now. Just tell me what it looks like.
Cleveland: You ever see a horse blink its eye?

Doctor: Okay Mrs. Swanson, you’re almost there! Push! PUSH!
Joe Swanson: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WIFE, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

Doctor: Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first…and here’s the baby! It’s a beautiful baby girl!

Stewie: Attention everyone, this is a twist tie…..OH MY GOD. WHO IS THAT ANGEL?

(segue to a Hannity and Colmes cutaway)

Bonnie does diaper changes for both baby AND Joe. Very awkward. Joe says “somehow, not being able to pay my baby’s hospital bills makes me feel less of a man” while Bonnie is changing his diaper. She asks him: “Do you want to go put your penis on now?”

(Joe takes on a second job at the Bearded Clam)

A conman comes up to Joe and offers him some dough for bills.

Eye floater! Trying to get away! “You’ve got an answer for everything, don’t ya!”

Stewie: “Susie, you’re a baby….that’s all I have so far.”
Brian: You’re as bad as Beethoven…at the end” (segue to Beethoven singing Jesus Joy of Man’s Desiring).

Stewie: (to Brian) Go f*** yourself.

(cutaway to lemonade stand for fundraiser for Swansons)

Peter: It has my secret ingredient in it – vodka! (kids are drunk on the lawn)

Joe: I don’t know, we’ve been out here all day, and no one is interested in our massage parlor. (they get rejected by a businesswoman)

Peterschmidt: It’s funnier to me if I don’t help you out. (puts $20k in a blender and drinks it)

Stewie spies on Suzie…”Look at that, she can fit that whole bottle in her mouth!”

Brian: (to Stewie) You sound like an unbelievable douche. (Stewie playing guitar)

(Mob guys beat Joe up) “Look at me, my legs are useless now!” Cleveland laughs.

(kids come to door looking for more vodka lemonade)

(Peter comes up with complex plan to steal from the Pewterschmidt mansion to pay off Joe’s bills)

OMG! The Christian Bale tape got in there. Peter and Christian go at it.

(Stewie editing a music video) Brian does Stewie’s classic “novel” buildup, and Stewie says ” Yeah, that only works when I do it.” Cheesy music video comes on.

And keeps going. It’s a Bryan Adams song. Pretty much every 80s video is parodied in this thing.

Stewie: Don’t worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in twenty minutes.

Carter Pewterschmidt to Bill Gates: Hey Bill, could you help me program my Zune? Oh, wait – I have an iPod, like the rest of the world. Bill: why, you!

(Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire come in to the party in disguise)

(band starts playing “Safety Dance”)

(Cleveland uses Reese Witherspoon’s chin to cut into the safe)

(Cleveland miraculously imitates Carter Pewterschmidt’s voice)

(safe asks for penile id)

(Lois breaks into van and talks Joe out of stealing all that money)

Megatron: DO AS I COMMAND!

Brian: How did Suzie like your video?
Stewie: I don’t care about her anymore. I’m in love with Bryan Adams.

Peter: How did you get your dad to give Joe $20K?
Lois: I told him it was for me. I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer.
Peter: Hah ha! You’re joking, right? Joking? Lois? (Lois silently clears the table and an ostrich laughs on the stairs. Yes, an ostrich.).

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image courtesy Fox Home Entertainment