Emos Worldwide Cry More Than Usual as Mascara Gets Banned

Researchers have discovered that black mascara causes several previously unknown ailments, including depression, uncontrollable crying and the urge to cut shapes and misspelled slogans into arms and legs. To make matters worse, mascara has been blamed for increasing the sales of shitty music.  In response to this amazing discovery, all black mascara is being pulled from shelves immediately, and emergency measures are being discussed by world leaders.

The so-called “Emo community” is not pleased:

The non-conforming conformist Emos have promised to blare Sunny Day Real Estate in the streets while slicing at their appendages with dull scissors until this “heinous travesty” has been corrected. They claim to have been depressed misfits well before they started using mascara.

I tracked down a well known Emo mocker codenamed “Followthreaper” and asked him what the catalyst was that caused a normal person to become a teeth gnashing self mutilating sympathy monger if it wasn’t cosmetics, and he had a very thought provoking response,

“Short and simple. Because Kurt Cobain did it.”

As of this writing, at least one Emo has committed suicide, but it was probably an accident. Millions of other Emos have threatened suicide and made phone calls to exes claiming “I’ll do it, I swear. Love me! Why don’t you love me!?”

I had the opportunity to talk to one “musician” (who wished to remain unnamed) about this amazing turn of events, and his response was as follows,

“I am not concerned. My music is not considered Emo, and neither are my fans. My fans are ‘The Beautiful People’ and I am their ‘Personal Jesus’. Yes, many of them do wear mascara under their ‘Heart Shaped Glasses’, but my fans certainly aren’t ‘Disposable Teens’ like those gay Emos.”

[image: Newscom]

*NOTE* This is a parody, mascara is still being sold. Emos still suck. Life goes on as normal.